September 2nd, 2008

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July 20th, 2008

10:10 pm - Visit of the kink fairy A couple very exciting developments in my life lately.  Ya know, in addition to still not knowing how I'm going to pay rent for August. I met the greatest guy off of bondage.com.  Down to earth, but educated.  Reasonably successful, but going back to school.  He works for the coast guard doing sea-traffic control stuff.  He took me out to the Starry Plough and we saw a band called Gamelon X.  A sample of my favorite song that night:  http://gamelanx.com/x/?q=node/54 .  He was a perfect gentleman, opened doors for me, was extremely polite, the works.  We had pizza and pints while listening to great music and went back to his car.  We shared a light kiss and he was an excellent kisser.  I'm looking forward to the next date, scheduled for friday or saturday the week after next.  Oh ... and I got buzzed.  Weird, huh? I started messaging this guy that I met online via stumbleupon a week ago or so.  We've been exchanging emails and we started talking about doing D/s 'games' together.  He had me start a public blog (which he said he'll be linking to at various places).  This is me:  http://piccolacagna.blogspot.com/  If I end up having more than one assignment from him, it'll catalog that too, but for now it centers around my adventures in orgasm denial.  I'm putting a lot of effort into it and will definitely be writing about it daily (punishment = I'm seriously not going there), so if it's of interest to you at all, check it out.  I'm very grateful that a lot of my wishes/dreams in regards to romance are coming true right now.  Now if only the rest would fall in line.  Current Mood: happy

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July 14th, 2008

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June 25th, 2008

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June 11th, 2008

04:12 pm - More hot summer nights Last night was so dark.  It started off with him reminding me that I wasn't allowed to push his hands away, in that voice that I didn't even think about contradicting.  Deep and melodic, sadistic and edged.  He played with my breasts, telling me how he loved his little slut, kissing at me sweetly.  He pushed my legs open and scowled at me when I resisted. Sliding in between my legs, he held my hands down for a few moments, asking me if it hurt.  It did, but mostly because I was a little dry.  I told him so, so he fucked me harder.  I lubed up quickly and he started kissing me, crooning at me so sweetly.  I wrapped my arms around him and we made love for a few perfect moments.  Then, when I was least expecting it, he slapped me hard.  Three times in quick succession, until I was sobbing from pain, surprise, and the broken mood.  "That's a good little slut.  I love watching my fuckhole cry.  Cry for me, baby."  He kept repeating it.  Cry for me, baby.  He alternated like this, being just gentle enough to relax me from fear of pain, and slapping me again.  Or twisting my nipple really hard.  He started fucking me really hard and I was struggling not to cum - he told me to let it happen.  I said I was afraid to, that he would hurt me.  He smiled at me and said that I knew I wanted to hurt for him.  Right before he was about to cum, he got gentle again.  I begged him to cum, like he likes.  Enthusiastically and happily.  Then right as he was cumming, he choked me with both hands until I was sputtering and coughing, seeing stars and bucking against him trying to fight.  I cried for quite awhile afterwards and he held me the whole time.  He even got me a popsicle for my throat. It was exactly what I needed.  I feel very happy, yet fragile.  Desperately in need for him to make good on his promise of taking care of me, but having made the leap of faith to give it to him again in the first place.  I love him, and am hopeful. Current Mood: happy

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June 10th, 2008

04:02 pm - Mixed results Yesterday was very warm - that sticky, icky sort of warm that makes sweat pour out of your pores by the bucket full and stay in all your creases.  We went to bed around midnight, grouchy and tired.  After turning the fan in the bedroom on, we laid down.  Josh had just gotten out of the shower. We talked and I curled up next to him, my head on his shoulder.  I remember rubbing my hand over his hair and cheek, thinking how handsome he is and how much I love him.  The fan was blowing soothing, cool air and Josh was still damp - he smelled so good.  Laying down in the cool air so close to him was sensual heaven.  He immediate went for m breasts.  I reacted instinctively, pushing my hips towards him and moaning.  He started talking to me, asking me things like "Is this what my little slut wants?  hmm?"  I recoiled from him just as instinctively, the illusion of romanticism lost.  I felt reminded of who I am, the things i normally want and need, like a set of clothes that don't fit quite right.  He responded appropriately, being gentle and nipping at my neck, touching me softly and doing all the things you would normally do with someone if you wanted your touch to convey the depth of your love. Then he was on top of me, thrusting into me so sweetly.  Hard, then fast, varying tempo and depth, kissing me.  His body pressing tightly against mine and I could have almost cried from love of him.  His soft dripping hair formed a canopy of cool air over my face with  every one of his kisses.  In the dark, it was like being an exotic jungle or something equally fanciful.  It was beautiful.  His hands were on either side of my head, bracing himself. I went to rub his hands with my own, the way I always do when I want him to hold my hands down while he fucks me.  I needed pain and he gave it to me for a few moments, biting at my neck, pressing on my wrists, fucking me harder.  Then the words started and the pain stopped.  Degrading words, always.  I closed my eyes and noticed how much harder he'd gotten in just a few seconds and I played out the different scenarios in my head.  As had happened before, if I tried to stop it and tell him I was feeling bad, or some such thing, he would go limp and get frustrated and the evening would end unpleasantly.  Trying to redirect his behavior nonverbally was unsuccessful - he scarcely seemed to notice.  So I went along with it, my heart hurting a little.  I did all the little things he loves, talking as dirty as he was, pushing back enthusiastically, exaggerating (but not faking- how much easier it would be if I was just faking) orgasms for his enjoyment.  Afterwards, he held me and told me how much he loved me.  I remember thinking of smilingsadist, how he said once that what he enjoyed once was the confusion a girl felt between the humiliation and love.  I wanted to cry, to break out of it all, rebel, scream, do ... anything.  I felt the futility of it - tomorrow, I'll just be craving it desperately, begging for it, with whoever's giving it to me laughing at me all the harder for my brief rebellions.  J would just be confused and frustrated, angry, at my constant flip-flopping.  I could almost hear him saying "well what do you want, then?  jesus, make up your mind".  Somehow, even crying about it just seemed so naive and pointless.  Some days, it feels like I'm losing ground with the ability to keep "clean".  Like all the dirt I asked to be piled up on me is sticking from sheer volume.  But I'm also pretty sure I'm just being mopey right now.  Also, humiliation without physical pain is difficult for me to deal with, but J seems un-inclined to pay much attention to that side of things. Current Mood: thoughtful

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June 6th, 2008

03:53 pm - Last night What a great night.  My first thought to type something about it was "Mmmmm".  That sentiment generally describes it. So J and I stayed up too late again.  Like we always do.  We had a bit of an argument wherein I was upset but passive aggressive about him not "making love" to me because I felt like a whore and he stormed out saying "fuck you, fuck you" like a litany. He came back to "talk".  He opened up with questioning my sanity and mental aptitude.  I told him that I'm a bit nuts and I'm reasonably sure that I'm only ever going to be happy and at peace during moments of upheaval - if that's not the kind of crazy he wants to scene with, then he should know that by now and quit asking me to convince him that what we're doing is totally SSC to his definition of sanity.  Also, that I was sick of trying to convince him it was okay morally to do fucked up things to me.  For fuck's sake, just do them if you want or don't if you don't.  Why does it have to be so damn complicated? He perceived the irony of me saying this to him.  (if you don't see the irony as well, you don't know me very well yet)  Things wound down, we were cuddling.  He'd agreed to make love to me, and everything seemed sort of neutral.  I was babbling about self-esteem or something like that.  He said "Oh, just shut the fuck up."  He starts kissing me, biting at my lips and tongue, hurting me.  Grabs my hair and pulls it.  Fucks me, hard, not waiting for me to get lubed up so it scrapes and tears.  "You talk too goddamn much."  I cum, hard., and find myself acting pornographic whorish.  You know, the kind of inviting "hurt me more" sort of slutty with the over-the-top eager/happy response to all the abuse that makes you just want them to hurt enough that they actually cry and feel anything that's happening to them?  (well that's my response anyways)  Then he keeps smacking my ass in the way I just don't like to see me flinch (hard but stingy with little leftover pain, in rapid succession) and fucking me harder.  Just pistoning inside me until I get lost in the sensation, slapping me, bruising my tits, calling me anything he wants.  It felt so goddamn good.  I made a 50 item list of particularly brutal fantasies I had, or desires for our D/s relationship, etc.  He asked me if that was what I really wanted, if it was really okay with me if he acted like that.  Sadistic, mean, brutal. I want that thrill of not knowing if it's really what I want all the time, of being vulnerable and scared and stripped open, then held and loved and so protected.  He held me afterwards last night while I cried.  I don't know why I cried and he didn't ask.  It was okay.  Maybe things are heading in the right direction again.  I hope so. Current Mood: happy

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June 2nd, 2008

03:46 pm - Adventures So finals ate my life.  They're over now.  First off, sorry to smilingsadist for misrepresenting your argument. Highlights: I went to an Iron Maiden concert.  It rocked!  I have a huge crush on this guy.  Tall, dark, handsome, gamer nerd, severe violent tendencies.  He's like if Tyler Durden LARP'ed.  *sigh*  I doubt he "likes" me back and I have to see him regularly so not sure I want to deal with those awkward moments.  Also I have no idea how to approach the issue other than "hey, wanna fuck?  Yeah I know I'm fat and socially inept and probably not your type at all, but whaddya say?  It's only a BJ."  I had a really vivid dream of said boy throat-fucking me until I puked and spitting in my face, slapping me, pulling my hair, yanking me around like a rag doll.  Since I started having this "crush", I've been feeling extremely masochistic.  It's not the same as being a pain slut and just going to J and asking him to whip me.  I want him to be beaten, raped, pushed, conquered.  I want to fight back with everything I have and lose.  I want it to be real and brutal.  I want to cry and hurt.  I want it to be physical.  And I want the person who did it to be there afterwards while I sob, putting me back together.  I went down to Santa Cruz to meet a boy.  A cute, elfin boy who is awesome.  My age, but young. Dommy and slutty, but affectionate.  It was well worth the expense of time and travel.  When I got home from the trip, I was greeted by a thorough face-fucking and there has been a marked improvement in my relationship with J.  There are problems still, of course, but I'm not gonna bitch.  I'm just gonna enjoy it. Today, he has me keeping a food journal.  Tomorrow the calorie counting and enforced exercise.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I have to have dinner done and the laundry cleaned, and I need to look pretty for him by the time he gets home.  *sighs happily*  It's nice and I feel pleasantly domestic and subjugated.  Now, if he'd just slap me, spank me, and whip me more it'd be golden :).  Current Mood: content

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April 8th, 2008

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April 7th, 2008

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January 18th, 2008

01:43 pm - In defense of the letter J All right, so I was talking to a friend of mine online and there's this common misconception among my friends, it seems, that J is "bad".  Inconsiderate, selfish, mean, etc.  Well hell, I've said all that about him, too, at one point or another.  I think R'yals post on the subject of him lying about money is the most level-headed and true thing to have been said on the subject.  "J needs financial advice and some self discipline. He is a smart and reliable person, and his heart seems to always be in the right place, so its not a matter of intent that is causing issues here ... He's made his mistakes and he realizes there is a problem and he wants to fix it. Thats a good thing and you need to nurture that." So that's that.  It's basically my opinion on the subject. There are other issues here, namely J's personality faults.  He's abrasive, enthusiastic (sometimes overly so, hence why it's in the faults area), egocentric, has issues with empathy and emotions.  Ergo, he needs to work on self-control and an awareness of other people as such.  This gets him called a "jerk" or "ass" a lot.  I can't say much to that stuff, unfortunately, except that he was a TON worse when we got together.  I do mean a ton.  I remember he used to be cruel to a friend of ours just for fun.  He used to be an emotional caveman.  What's changed?  Well he still has the same emotions (anger, frustration, lotsa generic passion for things) that led him to express those emotions inappropriately in the past, but he now talks about them.  "I'm feeling angry because ...".   He's set a project for himself, to do one thing at the same time every day without fail to work on his self-control.  He's stuck to it for a couple weeks now and I'm really proud of him. I don't know if he's really started viewing other people as more of people and less of actors in his personal world, but he's acting better. Why don't I get someone more "nice"?  Someone who never did yell at me or treat me like crap?  Someone who's never lied?  Because I love J.  Him, not someone else.  He's not interchangeable for someone nicer and more perfect.  Although I am pretty darned happy with him at the moment :).  He's smart and quick-witted, always working on improving himself and his station in life, energetic and passionate, a great conversationalist, and he's always pushing me to be something better.  He's not just content with me as I am now, any more than he is with himself as he is now.  He loves who I am now, but he knows I can be something far better.  He's always pushing me to do better - at school, at life, at sex, at whatever.  He's always challenging me mentally and we really talk to each other  - every day.  About stuff we read, perceptions on the world around us, etc.  He's a great companion and sounding board and the thing that has always kept me attracted to him remains in place - our personalities just mesh on a mental level. He has pretty much the same outlook as me on all things moral except in regards to the appropriate way to treat other people, which as i mentioned above he saw my point on and is getting better.  And dammit, "nice" is not the best virtue a person can have.  How about "hard-working"?  "reliable"?  "intelligent"?  adventurous, charming, passionate, motivated?  What about having good taste in music, an enthusiastic love of learning new things?  Dammit, I'll take someone who says "fuck you, cunt" when he's really angry and has a sadistic sense of humor for all of that.  And he cares about me, really cares about me.  He's bent over backwards to work on his personality faults, especially the ones I said I couldn't live with.  He's out and out eliminated many behaviors I made it clear i found unacceptable (like saying "cunt" during arguments for example).  But he's not perfect.  He does mess up frequently because he'd rather be doing something even if it is wrong rather than doing nothing at all and I like that about him, because he doesn't let him get him down and he just gets back up to try again another day.  So yeah.  I love him.  For a variety of reasons.  And all of this is sort of related to my roomie.  He said "You seem to enjoy it when I use you for sex".  This is true but he abides by a sort of unwritten, unspoken contract I have.  He enjoys face fucking me, really enjoys it.  He comes to me when he wants sex, does what he feels happy doing, and leaves it at that.  It doesn't have to be more complicated than that, although I suppose it is.  He plays with my tits, which I love and guys don't do nearly enough.  He helps me work on my deep throating ability and understands that it's different than getting a normal blowjob (frequent pauses for me pushing my abilities, etc.) and seems to enjoy it.  He doesn't seem to do anything he doesn't enjoy wholly for himself and therefore frees me to enjoy what he does do fully.  He says things that are really really hot, at least to me.  "Gotta keep that throat in practice."  "Mmm, your mouth was meant for this"  "So before I came in here I was watching this porn where a girl was talking about feminism and women's studies stuff and her boyfriend just comes up and shoves his cock in her mouth brutally and uses her.  It was really hot.  I love clever porn like that" (then proceeds to face-fuck me somewhat brutally).  I love him, although I suppose he'd be uncomfortable if I said it.  J knows and is comfy with it, and I'm comfy with it so no need to really say it. I get so sick of being told I should care more about my own pleasure.  I can't count how many times I've heard "why don't you get the roomie to go down on you?"  Because it's not about that.  It's about me enjoying what he's doing as he's doing it.  I would very selfishly enjoy the experience far less if I got him to go down on me.  If he spontaneously without any prompting decided he would enjoy going down on me one day, sure, whatever, it'd be cool.  But I don't need it or pine after it.  It's about being there for him as he needs me.  I don't even like guys going down on me that much - I have hang ups about getting off clitorally from others that make it less enjoyable than just sticking it in or ignoring it altogether. It's also not really about a service-oriented mindset.  I'm not all that into "anything to please you" mindsets.  When others just "use" me for whatever makes them happy in most fashions, I feel comfortable enough to enjoy it.  I fantasize frequently about being double teamed or used and ... when it's happened it's always been too contrived.  My roomie coming in and just face fucking me and going back to playing wow is much hotter.  Whew that was long.  Anyone still with me? :) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Pretty Toy - Velvet Acid Christ

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January 9th, 2008

02:21 pm My sex life has been exceedingly boring with me and Josh struggling to maintain some sort of status quo (we're under a lot of stress), but it's been getting better the past few nights and last night finally had something worthwhile to write about. We've been experimenting with hypnosis lately (thanks for the resources R'yal!).  Exactly what's said and the like feels a bit too private to post, but suffice it to say it's been really fun and I've been enjoying it a lot.  After we got done, I was feeling very relaxed and just generally in a good mood, with everything feeling really enhanced.  My mouth was incredibly sensitive while I was sucking his cock and it felt innately pleasurable.  I don't know how long I zoned on just enjoying feeling it on my lips and in my throat.  Normally sex itself is not really the main attraction for me.  It's like ... he learned how to talk to me.  I think the hypnosis stuff has allowed him to feel more "free" with what he says or something like that.  He was really getting into everything with vicious enthusiasm.  Lots of pain play too, just spankings and pressure points, that sort of thing.  But with the way he was talking to me and how relaxed I was feeling, I was so wet the entire time it's like I couldn't feel the contours of his cock, just that it was moving and I needed it to move more.  It was so good. I still don't know how I feel about everything in the larger context of our relationship, but I'm taking things one day at a time.  Current Mood: complacent

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December 27th, 2007

01:54 pm - First update in awhile Well my life has been kinda crazy in the no-sex-i-wanna-cry area.  Except it hasn't been NO sex, exactly.  Just no sex of the kind I need.  B is kind and gentle and very, very skilled.  J is gentle and perverted and very self-interested.  My roommate is well ... my roommate. But today he fucked me in the ass.  I've been wanting him to do anything more than a blow job for over two years now and he finally did. Yay!  He took his time and we started off in the spooning position, where he let me sort of adjust to him slowly, not pushing forward or anything until I was comfortable with it enough to be writhing against him a little, wanting more.  The next phase hurt the most, where he kept pushing in bit by bit and my body just wasn't used to it.  It didn't hurt very much though, nothing remotely unbearable ... most of it was half pleasure, half pain with a craving for more.  Then he shifted positions bit by bit and started actually fucking my ass.  By the time he was fucking me, I didn't even feel any pain.  I came really hard, although i tried to keep it toned down since I think he has issues with female expressiveness.  He came in my ass (through a condom) and we got up and went about our daily business.  Oh ... and this was all preceded by him coming in shortly after I woke up and groping me/burying his cock in my throat for awhile. Last night, I was semi-cybering with this one guy I know on WoW (and, although I don't think he believes me, the only guy I really cyber with in anymore).  He's just starting to explore his dominant side and I think he's going to be a really incredible dom someday.  B canceled on me today (*sad face*), but hopefully I can con J into something a bit more intense tonight.  Things have been really hesitant since my last entry and I hope we can get back into the groove soon.  Thanks again R'yal for the advice. Current Mood: bouncy

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December 15th, 2007

03:52 pm So the financial domination thing was a bust.  In the space of the last few days, he lied to me several times, some of the lies potentially very damaging (in relation to finances).  While the details aren't really important (supposing I manage to avoid fraud and things eventually work out as expected after I called the bank, etc.), it was a major violation of trust and showed a large level of irresponsibility and  lack of dependability. So yeah, guess he just wasn't ready, and things were going so well.  I guess it's just compulsive, I don't know what to do about it - he's been managing the other aspects of the D/s so well and we've been so happy.  I'm leaning towards compartamentalizing the different areas of my life and keeping finances firmly separate and hopefully separating our finances entirely once I graduate from college.  Anyone have any thoughts?  Please be honest (and feel free to contact me privately if you want) Current Mood: crushed

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December 13th, 2007

04:22 pm So I'm losing weight, or at least mass.  I don't have a scale, but my pants are definitely looser even though it's that time of the month.  Progress!    So about last night ... We continued that one role-play I mentioned.  I don't imagine I can make it sound nearly as interesting to my loyal readership as it was to me - but sucking his cock and being humiliated just fills me with such a sense of peace and joy.  There are those moments where time just stands still and I hold his cock to my forehead and the bridge of my nose, rub my cheek against it, and lick it softly and slowly ... and the whole world just crystallizes and seems peaceful and right, like it used to as a kid when I knelt in church.  I wonder about the cosmological implications of regarding his cock as divine from time to time.  Any thoughts on that?  Would God be pissed off?  If there is such a thing as "the divine", can I access it like this? Hmm...  I know what my crazy roommate thinks, with his Shiva Lingham theory. I'm worried about the financial domination stuff.  There have been a few hiccups today that put into doubt the wisdom of trusting J, depending on how things turn out.  I hope that it works out all right.  I want to trust J so badly - I've been so happy the past couple weeks, just deliriously happy despite all the difficulties in my life right now and I never want it to end ... but is this happiness blinding me to how vulnerable and foolish I've become? Current Mood: nervous

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December 11th, 2007

11:29 pm Hey, someone commented.  Gogo Ryal!  *blushes*  and thank you ... I'm working on it, seems like taking care of myself is just one more thing to do, not as important.  Taking a break from studying to write this.  So busy.  Got to play with J tonight - was SO hot.  Did a spoiled little girl seduces Daddy sorta roleplay (one of his favorites, haven't done it in awhile).  We had so much buildup it didn't take him too long to cum and it tasted so sweet, I was almost incredulous.  J's cum as a general rule isn't all that sweet, kinda strong and salty.  Just delicious and I kept sucking at it hoping for more.  He had to tell me to get off of it cuz it was hurting :(. We're talking about financial domination a bit more now that money's easing up enough that J feels comfortable learning the ropes of budgeting our money and the like.  I'm not sure how I feel about it, or if I trust him enough for that.  He doesn't exactly have a history of monetary responsibility.  But it seems to be really important - he says he feels like he's matured a lot and he needs to show that he can be more responsible.  So I'm giving him the chance and if it goes well, all the better.  I really like the idea of it working out, but hopefully not enough to be stupid about it ... Current Mood: tired

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December 7th, 2007

12:54 pm God, I'm so horny I can barely stand it.  I think maybe the hypnosis stuff J has been having me listen to has been having an effect.  Can't be sure though ... Gave my roomie a blowjob this morning shortly after I woke up ... he gave j a ride to work since J forgot to set his alarm and when he came back he wanted to "hang out".  Right :).  heh, he came in here and made a pretense of watching me play WoW while he felt my breasts.  Then he, get this, says "would you mind if I borrow your mouth for awhile?" I giggled a bit and put aside my laptop.  He got all embarassed and said something like "Well you didn't have to stop what you were doing ..."  Then he tried to face fuck me at an angle that just wasn't working (had my neck twisted awkwardly so not only was it hurting, it was damn near impossible to get into my throat).  We readjusted and he face fucked me for awhile.  I don't know why, but something about the way he talks to me during sex usually gets me going really bad.  It's like ... he thinks of himself as my friend and a really sweet, considerate guy and he still loves to face fuck me until I'm choking and gagging and that is so fucking hot.  He kept pushing his cock down just far enough so I could only breath a little bit around his cock so it felt like I was choking on my own spit and couldn't breath, then slowly cut off my hair completely and stayed there until I had to reposition to pull back.  Then he'd do it again.  Only problem was doing it that way really stimulated some primal fear of suffocation/drowning, but it was still hot when he'd bury himself completely and a bit of panic is starting to rise inside me and he's saying "That's it, suck that cock."  Mmmm. Then he let me "get on top" except it was just him holding my face down on his cock over and over again.  I wonder if bj air deprivation kills brain cells.  He really loves being in my throat and having me swallow/push my throat against it while I lap at the underside of his cock.  Which is cool, but nothing hits my gag reflex faster in a way I don't feel ahead of time.  So I frequently end up not feeling nauseous and just randomly puking up a bit of stomach acid while blowing him that way and having to swallow it back down.  he doesn't usually notice and it doesn't seem to hurt him or anything.  Then he had me turn around so he could get a bit deeper (69 position but just me blowing him) and kept pushing my head down on it until he came in my mouth and down my throat.  then he got up and left, saying something about loving my sex drive. Other things he said that were hot ... (after he kept asking me questions which necessitated me answering and then shoving my head back down) "No more talking.  Just keep my cock down your throat"  (after holding my head down a bit too long repeatedly)  "I can see why some men let the urge to abuse women control them."  So that was my morning.  As for last night, it was just more heavy verbal humiliation.  I think he's trying to get my habituated to it.  He's started calling me Cunt most of the time after I said that would be hot.  I guess he liked the idea.  Making me say degrading things about myself while I cum ... he's started mentioning off and on about how I need to lose weight.  "don't you wanna be a good little object, just like girls are s'posed to be?"  god, I darn near came the first time he said that.  coincidentally, I'm on an 1800 cal/day diet (700 cal or so reduction for me) and I'm working on being more active.  So I'm feeling a little fragile as I adjust to all this, but also perpetually aroused and aching and really close to him/"in love". Current Mood: happy

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December 4th, 2007

10:42 am Haven't had much time for fun and games lately with the semester grinding to a close.  Last night was worth mentioning, though. Josh had me masturbate while he talked to me - the usual litany of degrading things but they gradually got worse and worse.  More universally based, more dirty ... repeated back to him.  It was tolerable if emotionally discomfiting until orgasm ... then it hit me really hard.  He had me start blowing him and I broke down crying while I sucked on him and went sorta numb after.  I'm still not really sure why I was crying so bad.  I think it's just all the degradation getting into me and starting to break me down a bit.  Which is hot.  But disturbing. Current Mood: mellow

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November 28th, 2007

03:21 pm Please feel free to comment!  I know there are people out there reading ... Last night was really incredible. Back up ... a bit of background.  The past few days I've been really eager during sex straightaway.  As some may know, my lack of doing this has been a major point of contention in the past.  J has even been offering to do the types of roleplays/scenes/etc. I would prefer in order to make the transition easier for me.  Even in the context more "reluctant" roleplays, I find myself acting in a way more in accordance with J's preferences and thus altering the scene entirely.  It doesn't feel as though the actions are coming from within me - instead it feels as though it's just happening, kinda like when you feel like you're on auto pilot.  Also over the past several days I've been feeling kinda upset for no apparent reason, especially in the mornings.  Could just be a chemical thing, but it's rather intense and I really have no idea why it's happening.  End Background. So I was talking to J about all this stuff and he wanted to know what i felt the most effective way to soothe the negative feelings would be, if I had any idea.  I said I wasn't sure, but him being gentle and affectionate helped.  So he held me for quite awhile, until all the pain talking about it dredged up went away, the whole time just repeating affectionate things over and over while stroking my hair.  Well ... sorta. "Shh, you've been such a good girl.  I'm so proud of how you're doing." "That's a good little cumdump.  I love my little cumdump." "Good girl.  Being such a stupid little cunt for Daddy.  Daddy loves his little cunt so much."  Etc. After awhile (I'd estimate like 40 minutes or so), I noticed he was really hard.  He put it off at first, saying he thought I needed more time.  He was right.  Even so ... it wasn't too much longer before he let me start playing with his cock through is pants, then rub it over my face through his underwear [I don't know why, but large cocks when they're hard just look so ... powerful and huge through underwear].  It felt so good when I finally was allowed to kiss it.  It felt like I almost came when I could finally put it in my mouth.  The whole time he was talking to me.  I don't even remember everything he was saying.  Just a gentle litany of how pretty I was with his cock in my mouth, how this is where I was meant to be.  Every once in awhile he'd ask me "who owns you, whore?" or "what do you love more than anything in the world?  mmm, good girl"  etc.  He had me play with myself for awhile but that got frustrating because I wanted to devote both hands to the blowjob so he let me just hump his leg while I was sucking on him.  After awhile, I got an idea in my head and became just obsessed with it.  I really, really, REALLY wanted his cum on my face.  With all the stuff he was saying about owning me, and feeling so slutty ... it always looks like such a declaration of superiority and power, cumming all over a girl's face.  And I wanted to feel owned.  Wanted to feel his hot cum all over my face.  Needed it.  Couldn't think of anything else.  And god it felt so good when I finally got it, in hot globs all over my cheeks, nose, lips, forehead ... licking at it with my tongue in a wave of post-orgasmic-like bliss despite the fact that I hadn't cum yet.  Then he let me play with myself, getting more and more degrading and mean the closer I got to cumming.  Switching from things like "That's a good girl.  Daddy loves watching you play with your pussy.  You know you get to feel like this because Daddy's pleased with you ..."  to "That's it, cum for me you stupid cunt." as I got closer.  No, I don't have any idea how long it took.  Felt so damned good though.  I really love where our relationship is going lately. Current Mood: happy

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November 25th, 2007

05:51 pm Things are finally getting peaceful again, even if the peace was bought at the price of me feeling degraded and very fragile most of the time.  He just had me review my anal pictures that I found for him and explain why each one turned me on.  (99% of reasons boiled down to 'huge cocks are pretty', my weird preference for anal/oral 2-in-1 pics, and double stuffing with really large cocks)  It was really embarrassing though and to make matters worse he wasn't really that interested even though he had me do it.  He kept barely paying attention, and ignoring me completely for like ten seconds at a time as I talked.  I got upset and he got angry with me for being ... well I don't know what exactly.  But I shouldn't have been demanding attention.  He threatened punishment if I didn't stop so ... I stopped.  Other than that, business as normal. Oh and I had sex with B over the Thanksgiving holiday as well.  Awesome as always.  Just pure awesome.  Nothing kinky really, just sucking and fucking and teasing and playing for hours on end.  Mmm. Current Mood: happy

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